Tag Archives: CBT for anger

11.04.25
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Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Generational Anger from Being Passed Down

If you were raised in a home where yelling, silence, or shame were used to control emotions, you likely carry that emotional inheritance, whether you wanted to or not. As a psychologist, I see many adults who don’t just struggle with anger, they fear becoming what they grew up with. And that fear is valid. When anger was modeled as explosive or unsafe, it wires the brain to repeat those same reactions later in life. But here’s the hopeful truth: you can break the cycle. Anger may be what you learned, but it doesn’t have to be what you pass on. Find more information about our anger management courses here: (4 Hour Course) (8 Hour Course). 

generational anger

How Generational Anger Gets Encoded

The brain is shaped by experience, especially in childhood. If you witnessed a parent scream during conflict or emotionally withdraw during stress, your nervous system likely learned to stay on high alert. This is called emotional encoding, and it wires you to see anger as either a weapon or a danger.

Children exposed to harsh or unpredictable emotional environments are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation as adults. This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a survival response your brain adopted early on.

But survival patterns don’t always serve us in adult relationships. They lead to reactive parenting, strained partnerships, and internal guilt.

Rewiring the Response

In CBT-based anger management programs like Dr. D’Arienzo’s, we help clients move from reaction to reflection. This means:

  • Recognizing your triggers—noticing when your body begins to feel unsafe or activated.
  • Reframing old beliefs—challenging thoughts like “No one listens unless I raise my voice.”
  • Practicing new responses—using grounding tools, breaks, and emotion language instead of reactive behavior.

Most importantly, we focus on self-compassion, because healing doesn’t come from shame, it comes from understanding.

You’re Not Your Childhood

You might slip up. You might raise your voice. But you also have the power to do what your caregivers couldn’t: pause, repair, and grow.

Here’s a simple phrase I teach parents and partners to use after a reactive moment:

“I’m sorry I handled that the way I did. I’m still working on breaking old habits. You didn’t deserve that and I want to do better.”

That kind of honesty is how cycles get interrupted. That’s how emotional safety gets rebuilt, one conversation, one pause, one repair at a time.

You didn’t choose the emotional blueprint you were handed, but you can rewrite it. With insight, practice, and support, you can become the calm, grounded presence you never had. Breaking the cycle isn’t just possible, it’s one of the most powerful legacies you can leave.

09.23.25
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Is It Anger or Anxiety? Learning to Spot the Real Emotion Under the Surface

As a psychologist, one of the most common things I see in clients dealing with chronic anger is this: they’re not just angry, they’re anxious. But anxiety doesn’t always show up as racing thoughts or panic. Sometimes it looks like yelling. Or snapping. Or withdrawing. Anger is often just anxiety in disguise. The challenge? If you only treat the anger, you miss what’s really driving it. Find more information about our anger management courses here: (4 Hour Course) (8 Hour Course). 

anger or anxiety

Understanding the Emotional Switch

Anger and anxiety share similar roots in the brain. Both are part of the fight-or-flight response, triggered when we perceive a threat, whether real or imagined. When someone cuts us off in traffic, or our partner doesn’t respond the way we hoped, our brain might register danger. The amygdala fires. The body reacts. And in that moment, we may explode in anger when what we’re really feeling is fear, stress, or insecurity.

Individuals with high trait anxiety are more prone to anger outbursts, especially when they feel out of control or misunderstood. Why? Because anger feels powerful. It’s active. It pushes others away. In contrast, anxiety makes us feel exposed and vulnerable, two emotions many people have never learned how to tolerate.

Anger Is a Shield Emotion

In anger management sessions, we often explore what’s underneath the anger. When clients begin to slow down and examine their emotional patterns, a common realization emerges: “I wasn’t actually mad, I was scared, overwhelmed, or hurt.”

This shift in understanding is powerful. It allows us to move from reaction to reflection, which is key to long-term emotional regulation.

Spotting the Signs: Is It Anger or Anxiety?

Here are a few ways to tell what you’re really feeling:

  • Is your heart racing? That could be a stress response rooted in anxiety.
  • Do you feel out of control or cornered? That’s often anxiety behind the scenes.
  • Do you feel shame or regret after expressing anger? You may have been masking deeper emotions.
  • Are your thoughts racing with “what ifs”? That’s classic anxiety fueling reactive behavior.

What You Can Do

Awareness is the first step. From there, you can begin practicing skills like:

  • Mindful breathing to ground your nervous system
  • Cognitive restructuring to challenge fear-based thoughts
  • Assertive communication to express needs before frustration builds
  • Therapeutic journaling to track emotional patterns

Not all anger is what it seems. Sometimes the loudest outbursts come from the quietest fears. When we learn to recognize anxiety beneath the surface, we stop fighting the wrong battle—and start healing the right wound.