When it comes to helping children manage their emotions, parents often focus on the child’s behavior, tantrums, whining, meltdowns. But here’s the hard truth I often share with clients in my clinical practice: emotional regulation is caught more than it’s taught. Children learn how to manage frustration, sadness, and anger by watching how you handle your own. And that’s where many well-meaning parents go wrong. Find more information about our anger management courses here: (4 Hour Course) (8 Hour Course). 

Kids Don’t Need Perfect Parents—They Need Regulated Ones

Co-regulation, how adults help children manage their emotional states, is a cornerstone of emotional development. But co-regulation only works when the adult is regulated themselves.

If a parent yells when stressed, slams doors, or reacts with sarcasm or guilt trips, children internalize those responses as “normal.” Over time, this becomes the emotional blueprint they bring into school, friendships, and future relationships.

In contrast, when parents model calm, even during conflict, kids learn that big feelings can be managed without chaos or shame.

Common Parental Missteps

In my work with families, I often see three patterns that undermine emotional regulation at home:

1. Yelling to stop yelling: Parents raise their voice to silence a child’s outburst, unintentionally reinforcing escalation as the model.
2. Punishing instead of coaching: Kids are sent to time-out without learning how to name or manage their feelings.
3. Avoiding repair: After a parent loses their temper, they move on without addressing the rupture, leaving kids confused or ashamed.

However, these patterns can be interrupted with small, intentional shifts.

Phrases to Use Instead of Yelling

Here are some calmer, connection-focused responses that help model regulation and teach your child what to do with big feelings:

• “Let’s both take a breath before we keep talking.”
• “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, and I need a minute to calm down.”
• “I see you’re upset. I’m here to help you figure it out.”
• “Your feelings are okay, but we need to find a better way to show them.”

These phrases validate emotion without rewarding dysregulation.

A Script for Repairing After an Outburst

Even the calmest parent loses it sometimes. What matters most is the repair that follows. Use this simple script to reconnect:

“I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t the right way to handle my frustration. You didn’t cause that, and I love you. Next time, I’ll work on taking a break instead of raising my voice. Let’s try again.”

This kind of repair teaches responsibility and models self-compassion.

Raising calm kids starts with being the calm. With self-awareness, better tools, and a willingness to repair, you can transform outbursts into teaching moments, and leave your child with emotional skills that last a lifetime.